Equestrian Relationships Coaching (ERC) is an approach and way of facilitating you, your horse and your unique relationship together. So that you have the space, support and resources to transcend what no longer aligns with you, and come home to yourselves and each other, with authenticity, attunement and inner safety. 

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Authenticity: Being true to self and what makes you, you.

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Attunement: Being aware and responsive to another, that facilitates trust, connection and safety. That creates the feeling of being heard, understood and gotten.​

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Inner Safety: A felt sense of being safe in who you are and who you are with.

ERC is also trauma conscious. This means that it is aware and sensitive to the traumatic experiences that human and horse may have experienced, and how it is held in the body.

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What does it mean to grow a safe & healthy relationship with a horse?

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When starting this kind of work, it can feel like a mine field trying to work out 'well what does a healthy relationship look and feel like for me and my horse?'.

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You aren't alone in this question

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Clients often ask me:
 

- What is the relationship that we are working towards?

- What kind of relationship does my horse want?

- How do I know it is a safe and healthy relationship?

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The reality is, the term relationship is confusing in itself. It might mean something slightly different to each invidual. In the horse world we are often told that relationship means...

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- Our horse's owe us a result or response

- The horse respecting and obeying us

- The horse trusting us more than anything else

- The human being the alpha or the boss

- Physical affection

- The horse saying yes no matter the request

- The human being perfect all of the time
 

Every relationship is unique, because there are two individuals with their own background, experience, thoughts, feelings, blueprints and personalities coming together.

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But the truth is, even though relationships have many shapes and sizes, we are united by a fundamental truth that can help us recognise what a relationship really is.​

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The truth

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Both humans and horses are social mammals. This means that they have evolved a core need to for safe and meaningful relationships. A need for community and to be seen & heard.

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In nature, a safe and healthy relationship between mammals means:

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• A felt sense of safety when together

• Community

• Trust

• Companionship

• Togetherness

• Synchrony 

• Collaboration

• Communication

• Healthy conflict

• Healthy boundaries

• Secure attachment

• Choice and consent

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Ultimately, relationships between mammals evolved to provide safety, survival and a sense of being home.

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It means being able to sleep while others have your back, having the protection of a group around predators, hunting together, being cared for, learning, communicating, growing and playing. Where there is attunement, the nervous system can feel it's safe enough to switch off defence systems and open to connection and replenishment.

This is why safe and healthy relationships are one of the most important thing you can nurture with your horse. Without safe relationship, we are also without our sense of self, safety, community and the ability to heal, feel seen, heard and understood.

‘Home isn’t where you are, it’s who you are with.’

This is beautifully encapsulated in Attachment Theory (Bowlby & Ainsworth). A 'secure attachment' is  an emotional bond characterised by a sense of safety, trust and comfort with intimacy. Where the attachment figure is a secure base, that is attentive to the child's needs and the child naturally grows confidence and ability to explore; with choice, agency and connection.

However, if we put this back into the context of the horse and human world, it is curious to observe how we are both affected by domestication: The process of interrupting intuitive & innate emotions, responses, identity and practices to fit in with a system.

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This has resulted in us drifting away from what relationships evolved to be.

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Our Horses:

Our horses have been taken away from their herds, their safe communities, conversations and relationships, and placed in a world far from their own. Often with limited movement, restricted forage, choice and connection.

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Us Humans:​

Us humans have been immersed in a busy, results focused, capitalism fuelled world. That is fast, furious, concrete and overly reliant on logic rather than feel and intuition.

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What if...​​

So what if this world we have created doesn't offer human nor horse the environment or support they need to develop healthy and balanced relationships?

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To add the cherry on the cake, there are the additional complexities of horse training. Built from preparing for battle and ploughing fields, training can still be restrictive and controlling. Often prioritises dominance & obedience rather than relationship and safety.

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Here are some of the phrases I have heard:

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'Ride through it' 

'Nail them to the wall'

'Push them past it' 

'They are just being rude, naughty'

'Don't let them get away with it'

'Ask, tell, promise'

'Now hit them like you mean it'
 

The dilemma

Therefore we are faced with a dilemma. What if the very relationship you and your horse needs, is different from the one you are programmed and taught by the worlds we are in?

You want a better relationship with your horse, yet the world around you does not facilitate this. Your horse wants nothing more than to be seen & heard, but they aren't in a system that supports this.

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This is exactly what I felt all those years ago. That there was a conflict between what I was told to be doing with my horse and how to do it, and the gut feeling inside of just wanting to hang out with him, build a friendship, explore things at our own pace and feel safe together. ​​

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